a journal of some sort...

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January 2022 

january 26, 2022 mannnnn I have like 0 motivation to update this site anymore. there's nothing to do....and it's tedious work too and I'm a very lazy + constantly exhausted person. so motivation comes every once in a long ass while.
now, as for reasons why I think I have 0 motivation: my life is so bleak and boring!!! it actually used to be fun back in the day (by that I mean like 4 years ago honestly). I did a whole lot more way back then and had more people to talk to and I was constantly around friends so it felt really nice to be around people. Having friends I can constantly talk to = I am so very happy and epic. well right now I have a grand total of like 3 friends and I only have one friend I talk to constantly. it would be nice to have more friends but I don't know how to make friends. people will say "oh just go up and talk to someone!" as if 1. I am impulsive enough to do so 2. I will know exactly what to say 3. I will know how to have a conversation when I spent a year and a half in isolation and currently I barely talk irl as is. I am sighing so hard right now because making friends is much more difficult than it used to be.
the funny thing is that I crave social interaction yet at the same time I absolutely hate it. it's tiring. having to constantly think about what to say is so...ugh. for me having conversations in real life is me stumbling over my words at least 8 times. people make it look so easy. and I wish it were easy!!!!!!
anyway there's that. I feel that every time I come to write these journal entries it's less of me recounting my day and more of me ranting about something dumb. goes to show how boring life is getting. let's hope I finally learn how to hold normal people conversations.

january 22, 2022 things are looking bleak with february on the horizon. the more I think about it the worse I feel, I honestly feel sick. and I look it too...I look like a sickly little victorian child. well..."why do you hate february?" you ask. last year my february got absolutely ruined. too many things were happening at once and it all made me feel so terrible. I think it was the worst month of the year for me last year. I wasn't doing well mentally, on top of that I had a really strong attachment to someone which fucked up my 2020 as well (I guess you could call it a FP), there was a huge freeze in my state which killed our electricity for nearly a week and it was extremely fucking cold and we didn't really know how to deal with it, a couple of school related things, and another thing which ruined my february very badly. all of this made me isolate myself even more from my friends and ughghghg well. I don't wanna continue traumadumping here lol but let's just say february was the worst ever. valentine's day used to be my favorite holiday but that all went to shit and I can't stand it anymore. I used to be really into lovey-dovey things because I thought love was a nice thing (not just romantic love, but platonic love too) so I loved to collect and make cheesy little things like that. I'll still try for it but I won't do my annual "lets give all my friends gifts for valentines day!" thing because there are a few friends that I don't feel like giving shit out to.
I'm gonna try to make things better for me this february and be positive about some things despite my brain wanting to curl up into a ball and hibernate for the entire month lol. wish me luck!!!

january 15, 2022 I think after remaking my entire about profile my motivation juice in my brain has all been used up and now I have no motivation or whatever I think that's very #hell. I don't know what else to say here...I made a buzzly account (a place like deviantart to upload art and stuff. it's a pretty new place I think it's worth checking out) which I'm trying to upload stuff onto, you can find it right here. not much has happened recently. I have a holiday on monday so I don't have school then...hm...that's all. goodbyeeeeee

january 10, 2022 NOT SICK ANYMORE!!!! drank so much tea and ate so much warm stuff and etc and now I'm not sick which is a #win. it was a cold after all but gawd it shouldn't have even happened in the first place...anyway school again tomorrow. I don't wanna go. well actually I do I just don't wanna go to my english class. not that there's anything wrong with english class it's just that my class is a whole bunch of nothing. I envy the people who took like, literature or something and they actually get to read and whatnot. my class is basically just writing essays? among other assorted things. it's a very easy class normally but for me it's like you're tearing apart my brain and putting it through a meat grinder. I'm trying so hard to do the work but I can barely get my brain to even look at the assignment. screaming and crying and etc. I wonder why I got put into this class? I mean yeah last year was terrible for me in my english class but it doesn't mean I'm a dumbass. anyway. it's 12 am and I'm sitting here trying to finish just 2 assignments for that class and my brain is rolling around in my skull and you can see that I am distracting myself from writing here. it's so pain and hell I hate it.
that's all goodnight. I'm gonna try to do as much as I can until I inevitably pass out from exhaustion or boredom, who knows which.

january 7, 2022 i'm sick again. I wouldn't have gotten sick if people who were already sick would wear masks and idk...not cough into their fucking hands instead of into their arms. it's incredible how much people have forgotten that if you're sick you shouldn't be coughing into your hands.......I really hate it here so much. I have the weakest immune system ever and I'm tired of getting sick I'm doing everything in my power to stop it.
anyway on that note I think you can already tell that school is back and my break is over. it's whatever its fine I'll just get thru it again. hmmmm what else....my friend came over to my house a few days ago and I showed her my isopods and other stuff. speaking of isopods my giant ass jar terrarium now has baby centipedes in it. haven't seen them again since the day I discovered them in there but...they're in there now I guess.
honestly not much has happened maybe I'll remake my about page or something like that. I've lost a bunch of motivation and I barely feel like updating this site lol


january 1, 2022 HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!! gawd this has been such a mess of a year...made the worst mistake of my life (half-joking...but half-not) in january, had the worst, most excruciating month ever in february...rest of the months...idk. hell I guess. but I guess it's all cancelled out by the fact that my friends are here and have been with me throughout the year and etc etc. I've said "happy new year I love you" to most of em by now. I wonder how this year will go? I know that in the past I've written resolutions for the new year but they're never accomplished and honestly it's like the opposite happens. I write that I want to be more productive and that I'll try to be less lazy and procrastinate less...and then I somehow become even more lazy/careless in the year. I write that perhaps I'll do some sort of exercise, like go on walks more often, and see if maybe I'll lose some weight along the way...and then I gain more weight in the year. I wrote once that "this year will probably be the year I find love of some sort" and the opportunity did come but it was stolen right out of my hands by someone. devastating. so I've given up on resolutions. I'll take whatever comes at me this year, everything else can go to hell.
on a good note tomorrow my friend is coming over and we are having a sleepover!!! I don't think she's ever stayed over at my house despite us knowing each other for years, though I've stayed over at their house a few times?? anyway I'm very very excited even though I have no idea wtf we're gonna do. drink hot chocolate and watch a movie before going to sleep maybe. and then we stay up all night talking. idk seems like a good plan.
this year will just be another year but it's my first year being an official adult I guess? later in this year I am turning 19 which is scary because...I'm not a kid anymore even though mentally I still feel 14. well whatever I'll figure things out as I go.
also I played acnl for the first time in a very long while...I have a new town now and I have tabby and stinky in my town :] time to restart!!! new year new acnl town??

December 2021 

december 25, 2021 merry christmas to those who celebrate. my aunt gave me socks yesterday. she gives me socks every year (for any present she gives me actually) I think mostly because of an inside joke a couple years ago where she gave me something and I pretended she had given me socks. idk. anyway just yesterday and the day before I had cleaned up my room a whole lot and now it feels so spacious!! there's a lot more room here now..I also moved my bed up against the wall which gave me a whole lot more space. it's pretty nice now but I don't know what to do with all this room...
today has felt...empty to say the least. I don't know. I feel a bit disconnected from my friends and its a weird thing let me tell you. well I have 2 close friends at the moment. they are my best friends. anyway the more I talk to one of them the less I talk to the other one. it's a weird sort of phenomenon??? I don't know how to explain it. for example I've gone whole months without having a solid conversation with one of them meanwhile with the other friend we talk every day nearly all the time, but as soon as I talk to the friend I hadn't talked to for a while and sit down and have a conversation or something like that...my other friend talks to me less and we go from talking all the time to talking like...once a day or not at all. and then there's this third situation where I don't talk to either of them for a while because its likely they're talking to each other and I'm by myself for that time. it's so weird and I hate it!!!!! why are things this way. what could this mean. is it impossible to have both of them at once? why can't I have both of them at once. I want them to stay here but it's so difficult when this shit keeps happening. and I can't stand talking to the two of them at the same time (as in the 3 of us are all talking together) because it feels like theres still an invisible divide between me...and them. should I...let one of them go?? it sounds like a cruel idea but it's been in the back of my head for months. I feel like there's going to come a day where I will have to choose between the both of them and I have been considering this carefully and imagining how life would be like without the other one. or maybe I'll have to leave them both. I think the latter would be the option that has popped into my head more often. well for a couple of reasons that I shouldn't go into detail here, there's nothing wrong with my relationship to the both of them and we don't hate each other or anything like that, it's more like there's something here in this situation that is...driving me insane honestly. so that's why I've considered that option a whole lot more. maybe it'll be better for my friends. almost feels like I'm their second option most of the time. feeling very invisible. it's in my head so much and you might think "thats not true!!" but if you were in my situation maybe then you'd see things from my eyes and you'd understand why I feel this way.
well enough of the sad and heavy and melancholic part of my entry...hmm...sitting comfortably in my room wrapped in blankets and listening to music and feeling as cozy as I can right now. it's a nice feeling. can you believe that the year is almost over?? just a few more days and we'll be in the new year.

december 15,2021 finally freed from school!! technically there were 2 more days but I decided not to go since basically I'd be doing nothing all day, also the last day was just a day with the two final exams back to back and it was also a short day so I didn't even need to come anyway lol. anyway winter break!!! doing nothing for two weeks I think...maybe I'll take this time to clean my room since it's it major need of a cleaning day. added that little thoughts page so now I can write down every single little silly thought that comes into my brain. also I mentioned genshin impact to my dad because I was listening to the dragonspine soundtrack earlier today which is my favorite genshin ost and...ended up talking about genshin for an hour. whoops.
that's all for today, it was pretty uneventful but it's just another day honestly.

december 14, 2021 TODAY'S THE FUCKIN DAY!!!!!!! itto comes out today...in a matter of hours. good thing that he comes out after school ends today because I feel that if I pulled for him at school I'd have 0 luck lol. I'm gonna do his test run first to see what he's actually like and I think that'll decide if I'll actually pull for him or if it's worth actually idk lvling him up and building him and etc. also tiramisu cookie came out on ovenbreak yesterday!!! he's so adorable but I hadn't saved up to pull for him so...I'll have to wait until I have enough or I buy a chest from the breakout shop lol. I have enough money to buy a chest from guild shop but...I'm saving up for fire spirit's costume. much to consider...
today's the 7th period final exam but I have no class in that period basically so I'm not doing shit for like. an hour lol. I'll probably be playing genshin like the sad and pathetic little man I am. see if I can scrounge up a few more primogems for those sweet sweet pulls for itto. maybe I'll pull on his weapon banner too idk. I'll see. I'll update later when I pull and if I DO get him the few people who actually read my journal entries will be the first to know ;]
man I cannot wait I'm so impatient I'll have to wait til the end of the day to pull uhuhughhguhgughuohghguuouhghgnhghghh currently my main mission is to get all the geoculus in liyue and max out the statue bc I have already maxed the mondstadt one. it's very tedious work but unfortunately I am a nerd and have nothing better to do with my life so I'm just doing it.


december 13, 2021 i'm no longer sick woohoo!!!!! went to the doctor and got prescribed some medicine and it went away in a matter of days. if I hadn't gone I feel that I would've stayed sick for months, which is honestly the worst thing to happen during winter. hmm what else...finals are this week but I only have to take one final and it's my english final, the rest I can exempt #likeaboss.
OH OF COURSE!!! ITTO BANNER COMES OUT TOMORROW!!!! yes i'm a genshin player yes it's very sad no I can't help it. anyway I've saved up around 63 pulls for itto and I know that I will get him. I mean, I had to really think about it because well...his skill and burst aren't really that cool to me? his skill is basically amber's baron bunny but geo, and his burst is just like noelle's burst. so you could basically just max out a c6 noelle and there's your itto if you don't have him. I may not use him if I do get him, I'll honestly just have him because he looks cool. gorou is on his banner and I'm so excited for him especially!!
I was doing domains all night last night and used up all my fragile resin *sobbing and crying and etc* I didn't even get that good artifacts...I just wanted a physical dmg artifact for my rosaria...also I put diluc on my team as a joke to use in a domain because I hate him (as a playable character) since his dmg is so ass usually but...he wasn't that bad actually??? he carried our team which was surprising I didn't have much faith in him because I knew how terrible his dmg was. he's not that bad of a character maybe I'll consider lvling him up.
yeah that's all I did. nothing much of interest.

december 8, 2021 it's just barely 12/1 am here and I've just finished a project for one of my classes. there's another project that I have to finish but I can probably finish it during one of my free periods tomorrow...or rather, later today. idk. anyway, I'm still sick. my throat hurts so bad. I can't swallow or talk because it feels like someone is punching me in the throat every time I do it. It's like how sometimes you have this dry patch in your throat that kinda hurts(there's no other way to describe it but if you've had it you'll know) and when you drink water it goes away. well my sore throat is like that except no amount of water I drink can take care of it, and it hurts so bad to swallow. I don't know what it is, if I've caught a cold or if it's allergies or something, I just don't know. I want it to go away so bad. I made myself some ginger tea with honey and so far nothing. It still hurts pretty bad. I just want it gone. uuuugghghghgughuuuhghuuuuhuhgughuhguuu this is the only thing I hate about the winter months. I get sick. It sucks so bad.

december 4, 2021 4 days into december and I've already gotten sick....uueeuueueueueueue. I think I know the cause behind it though...in one of my classes there's this girl who has a cough and she does not cover her face. if she does, she just uses her hand. she's not wearing a mask either. I think I'm the only person in that class wearing a mask? anyway, we got in groups for a project and she's in my group, so she had coughed on me/around me multiple times and I'm guessing she's the one that got me sick. it's astounding how many people don't cover their mouths when they cough, or even worse, don't wear a mask if they're sick. since masks aren't mandatory where I live majority of my school does not wear a mask. in many of my classes I'm the only person with a mask. it's extraordinary how many people have a disregard for others getting sick. it's an "everyone for themselves" mentality out here it really shouldn't be that way, but people are so stubborn that once they're stuck in their ways it' really difficult to change it. oh well. I hope this passes and doesn't escalate. I have a weak immune tendency and I have this chronic cough (or seasonal cough?) that always comes around when I get a cold in december and doesn't go away until mid-spring. last year I was fortunate enough not to get it (because everyone was inside or wearing masks when they were out) but I'm crossing my fingers so hard that this year I don't get it either. let's hope and pray!
I haven't gotten around to watching stone ocean...I don't know why but every time I think about doing some task or whatever my brain just goes "uuuhhhgghhhhhhhhhhhhh" and I just don't do it. my brain is lazy. the only time I do have motivation and energy to do tasks is at night, but I'm a baby who goes to sleep early and does terribly if I stay up all night. I still like staying up though, but I always wake up in the late afternoon the following day and I don't like my days to be short.
ah, so many things I'm planning to add to the site yet so many ideas half-finished or scrapped...I have another idea I've had in mind for a while but I'll add it to the list for when I have the motivation to do things. send some energy please!! god knows I need it.
a bit of a vent here...well, it's about my future. I don't really have anything in mind when it comes to preparing for the future, I don't really think of it as much. I just deal with things as I go, it's a mentality I adopted when I was 14 to stop myself from exploding and dying from stress the more I thought about my future. well, I also don't want anyone to think I have a disregard for the future either it's just...I didn't imagine myself coming this far. it's my last year in grade school to, and everyone in my grade, or most, are already making preparations for college and university. I'm sure there are others out there just as confused as me yet I still feel alone. my parents, my dad especially, is pushing me to go into college but to be honest I have no idea what I'd like to study. and I'm so terrible at studying too...I'm the biggest procrastinator ever and I am too scared to finish or start assignments that I put off for a long time. I also am a bit of a perfectionist and have yet to adopt the mentality that "anything is better than nothing!" but honestly, I'm just too scared of failure. it's maybe since I was once one of those super smart kids when I was little but...I'm not going into detail on that, this isn't my therapist. anyway, I don't really see myself studying in the future. I'll probably work a very regular job and do regular things and maybe once I'm ready I'll go back into school and specialize in...something. maybe something to do with animals or nature or the environment, since it's something I'm really interested in :]

on a brighter note, my best friend finally downloaded cookie run ovenbreak and I'm so excited because I have been begging them for months and they're finally playing!!! I'm doing friendly runs with them and it's so nice to have a friend to run with :]
listening to holiday jazz music and trying to have a good time right now regardless of my current circumstances. I'm not a festive person usually when it comes to christmas since I don't celebrate it but I feel that it's a nice holiday. it's something bright to light up the bleak and dreary winter, and reminds us to spend time with our loved ones and find happiness even in duller times. it's pretty nice.

december 3, 2021 it's december...can't believe it's december already. stone ocean came out 2 days ago and I'm so excited to watch it!!!!! I haven't had the time to yet but over the weekend I'll watch it. I'll probably be rolling around and crying tears of joy as soon as I start watching the first episode since I've been waiting for stone ocean for such a long time since it's one of my favorite parts :]
there's two more weeks til finals but I think the good thing is that I don't have to take most of them (except for one class I think) because I'm a senior and its my last year and we can just up and leave if we want to and etc.
unrelated to all I've mentioned......it's december, which has historically been a terrible month for me. I can't make a good enough judgement of how december is going to be this year since it's barely even started but I'm optimistic that it won't be as terrible as all the past years have been. I think last year most of all was the worst one but the good thing is that I've forgotten (or repressed) what happened throughout most of it so now I don't have to think about it. I'm very good at forgetting things.

November 2021 

november 29, 2021 back in school again. i'm surprised that even though our finals are coming up things are very relaxed right now. I mean there's 3 weeks until our winter break but it feels like there's not the rush and pressure of finals upon you. maybe it's because we've only just gotten back from the break and we're going to, you know, ease ourselves into the "finals" mentality.
anyway when I got home I went to my room and for whatever reason I was overwhelmed and started crying, and after I was done I heard this voice in my left ear (or maybe in my head but idk it sounded like it was actually there. felt really real and solid for a "thought") say "what's wrong?" and then it disappeared and afterwards things felt...a little odd. I guess the best way to describe it is when you wake up suddenly from when you're falling asleep and feel like you're actually falling. as in, things feel more grounded and in the real world afterwards. well after the voice disappeared it felt like that. I'm sure it was in my head but it definitely wasn't one of my thoughts and it felt too vivid and real. and this isn't the first time stuff like this has happened, but I'll talk about that another time.
that's all I have to offer today, hopefully I'll figure out what the hell that was?

november 26, 2021 having the worst day ever for some reason. actually the reason might be related to this dream I had last night. I had a dream that me and one of my friends were separated and we couldn't see each other, or rather we weren't allowed to meet up and it hurt very much because in this dream we always passed each other and always saw each other but they acted as if they couldn't see me, as if I didn't exist. even if I called out to them they'd have just a very serious expression on their face and ignore everything I said. eventually I think we were able to actually interact with each other? but when I did talk to them they just said something along the lines of "I don't want to talk to you anymore. please leave me alone" and when I woke up it felt like someone had stepped on my heart and crushed it into the dirt. and I've been feeling that way the entire day, I get these painful pangs in my chest/heart like how you feel when you're feeling really sad about something, and everything just hurts and I've been crying periodically about it. I'm in a really sensitive mood today. I don't know, everything just sucks. why did that dream affect me so much? and why did it feel real?

november 25, 2021 I'm updating the site a bit more and as I update, I get more ideas for pages and whatnot. this always happens and I never follow through with any the ideas (there are a lot of half-finished pages around the site, or pages I haven't even started on) so I just leave them be. It's true that I don't have many pages on the site and I'd like to make more, but mostly I'd like to remake the art gallery page. I'd also like to work on my flightrising dragons display page too since it's an idea that I've had in the back of my mind for a long ass time. I think the most difficult part of making these pages is the question of "how should I display this?"

november 22, 2021 went for a walk today. it was pretty nice watching the sunset and watching all the colors of the sky blend into the night. and the way the lake reflected the sky, it looked almost like a portal to another world. I should go on walks more often since they're not so bad.
I don't really have much else to talk about at the moment since there's nothing interesting happening, on top of that I have no energy to do much anymore. that's all.

november 19, 2021 ugghhh haven't made an entry in a while because life is terrible at the moment. received some horrible news yesterday and I'm still in shock/trying to accept what happened. it doesn't feel like a real thing that happened. but it did.
overall, I've just felt super exhausted all the time. I'm forgetting to do things and turn in schoolwork and its a problem honestly. tomorrow is the last day before our break, which is a week. I intend to sort of "get my shit together" during that week and I'm gonna have to force myself to do stuff to actually get my shit together (like turn in that work I always forget to turn in even though its embarassingly late, clean and organize my room, etc.) which is going to be difficult since I feel like curling up into a ball in my bed and not move for an entire week. I'm also losing motivation for updating this site *disintegrates into pile of dust* but I'm trying really hard to maintain it. I feel like I add things and then lose motivation/interest in updating those things and leave stuff half finished around here. anyway, with that being said, I added a page called "the attic" where I'll just post shit I feel doesn't deserve an entire page to itself. so things like random images, half-finished ideas, etc. honestly it should be renamed "the graveyard" since I'm sure I'll also forget to update that page too lol.
there's this assignment I have been putting off for an entire month, which is really pathetic of me but my brain strongly refuses to do it. and it's been lingering in the back of my mind forever, and it's...definitely an issue because it's a major grade and is the reason I am failing this one specific class...whoops. anyway my teacher has graciously offered me a chance to recover this grade, and I should be jumping at the opportunity but...my brain just does not want to cooperate. I feel like me and my brain are two very different things even though we are one and the same. why can't I get myself to work??? every time I'm like "ok brain we gotta do this thing", my brain just goes "uuggghhhhhhhh I don't want tooo" and we just sit here together, unmoving, procrastinating stressfully, and I cannot get myself to move in the direction I want to no matter what. pain and hell and suffering on earth.
anyway there's that. please cheer me on to finish this one godforsaken assignment so I can finally get it out of the way and sleep well at night.

november 14, 2021 I went out with my friend yesterday and we went to the movies. we watched 2 movies in a row and for the 2nd one we sat in very broken seats (which was okay, it didn't really matter). I also got new laces for my boots. They're purple and they match really well with the wings I put on them. Other than that nothing has really happened. My head is completely empty.
TALKED TO ONE OF MY FRIENDS JUST NOW he said he's into 80s jpop so I gave him some reccomendations!! I used to be reaaaally into 80s jpop back in like 2017/2018?? and very fitting to have this conversation with him because just today I found the songs I used to listen to (I had put them in a folder and uploaded them somewhere) and man I'm definitely remembering things. well unfortunately it wasn't all my songs, just a portion of them, so I'll have to keep looking...
also making some progress on the jelly mansion story!! thinking I'll postpone the little interactive story idea until I have more time, and just make info pages for certain areas within the "jelly mansion universe"...you'll see these soon I hope! I have a week long break next week so I'll have more time to work on the site and whatnot. can't believe the only page I'm regularly (or semi-regularly) updating is this here journal page hehe.

november 11, 2021 I have so many things to do right now so I've been busy!! I'm working on these very overdue english assignments (which I was slightly scared to even look at in the first place, to be honest) and I need to have them done by tomorrow. The thing with me is that once we've moved past something, well, we've moved past it and I'll push it out of my brain and forget about it even though it's something that I haven't done and need to do. which is why I forget!!!! so I'm doing it right now and it's actually...not as terrible of an assignment as I thought it would be. this is definitely doable.
also I finally made that page for the jelly mansion story which I am also working on. I have so many ideas for it but I'd really like to make it a sort of interactive story sort of thing!! just trying to think of how since I want a section for info about a certain part of the world but then again I want to make an interactive story out of it....I'll figure something out eventually.

november 10, 2021 ok I'll admit I feel like I've been slacking a bit more than usual. with my site, with my schoolwork, with keeping my life in order, etc. maybe that's why things feel like they've been going downhill a little bit. anyway, I'm putting together a little page (or rather like. a few pages I guess since it would count as a few..) for an about the jelly mansion. I do have a little story put together for it and I'd like to make a page talking about it! it'll take a while to finish though but I'd like to get it done :] I'd also really like to make a page for cookie run related stuff since it's been a very big fixation of mine for months now and I really love the game.
anyway, I've had a horrible headache all day. it's probably my sinus issues acting up again. thanks to both my parents for passing them down to me x2. feeling soooo great right now. it'll probably go away by tomorrow I hope but sometimes it lingers. let's hope it doesn't linger. it's probably because of the weird weather we've been having? cool in the morning but hot in the afternoon...it messes you up a little.

november 8, 2021 to tell you the truth I haven't really been feeling all that well lately. it's been coming back around again, that feeling I mentioned earlier, along with...other feelings. I recently saw a picture that was taken of me. I hate it. Not in a "oh, it's me lol I don't like myself" kind of way but in a "is that what I really look like??" sort of way. I look repulsive. and it's definitely not helping me out here. I think I know what the cause might be (to be fair it's a side effect that I've heard about a bunch) but other than that I don't know what to do. I'm not feeling great lately and I don't know how long it will last.

november 5, 2021 I got some new stuff today!! sort of like a late bday gift to me lol. I got myself a new bag for school. it's a messenger style bag and it's pretty big and spacious which is good because I carry a lot of stuff. my old bag was practically falling apart at the seams since I had used it for ages, so I decided it was time for a change. I'll lay that old bag to rest and use this new bag for everything. I'm very excited because I can decorate it since it's blank on the outside, there's barely anything on it so it has a lot of space for pins and buttons, stuff like that. I also got myself a nice mechanical pencil to draw with. it writes pretty smoothly and it's a nice even weight, it's not too big and fits nicely in my hand. I love it!!! I also got myself a few highlighter markers which I haven't used yet...maybe I'll test them out after I finish writing this.
I have a few assignments I need to turn in and I'm stressing about it while I procrastinate...I should probably get to it soon.
also I added a little stamps and blinkies section to my about page which I intend to fill up soon enough!!

november 3, 2021 tired today. my brain feels exhausted even though nothing much has happened. there's something that keeps coming back around every once in a while, it's like a feeling/memory. the slight mention of anything associated with said feeling/memory sends me into a depressive mood. I don't know why. I thought I had gotten over it long ago but clearly not if it keeps coming back like that. I tell myself it shouldn't affect me this much but it does, considering the situation and circumstances in which everything happened. and any slight mention of anything or anyone associated with said situation brings back those feelings and makes me relive it. I feel bitter. sort of like jealousy, but it's more of a mourning a loss of something. ever since that situation happened, things changed a bit. to others it might seem like a blessing sent straight from the gods, but to me it's a curse and a burden and I wish it never happened.
I know I'm being super vague about this all but I'd rather not talk about the situation that happened, just the feelings. I just want to write it down somewhere since every time this happens, every time these feelings and memories come back to haunt me, I just keep it to myself. at least I have a place to put it now.
I need to learn to let go of things but there's a deep resentment towards this situation and I can't help but feel bitter about it. it's a heavy sort of day today but let's hope it doesn't come back for a while.

on another note, I feel like my brain has turned into mush. recently, in my english class, we've had to write a lot of essays (as one does, because of course it is after all an english class) and no matter how much I write and rewrite and draft and edit, it feels like my writing is not good enough. in other words, I feel like my language and vocabulary has slowly been disappearing over the years. my writing is like that of a 6th grader. I sit down and stare blankly at the screen, and no words come into my head. no ideas at all. it's sort of like a permanent mental exhaustion. I've forgotten all my fancy and flowery adjectives and nouns and idioms and whatnot. all of that knowledge has been stripped and I'm left with the bare minimum, just the means to communicate simply with other people. my brain is definitely not what it used to be. I wonder why? what caused all of this sudden mental deterioration and perpetual tiredness? why can't I ever think of words to write down these days? even a simple assignment leaves my mind blank. you could ask me to write down the simplest paragraph in the world and I would still stare straight ahead, struggling to conjure up words to write down on the paper. language should be an easy task, it was an easy task, but it's not anymore. I feel stuck here.

november 2, 2021 nothing eventful or of interest happened today...just another regular normal day like any other. I feel like things at the moment are pretty easygoing and relaxed for me, and I definitely wont take this for granted. I'm enjoying every minute of it. currently I'm trying to put together an art gallery page for the site (to display my art and stuff, obviously) and it's coming along nicely! learned how to do transitions in css so I'll probably overuse this to death in the future lol. anyway, putting together this page had me thinking...maybe I could do with cooler stuff for the site. like effects or something. for example wobbly text or making an image spin around or something like that. you know, cool stuff! wizard stuff! so I'm thinking I should start learning javascript. it looks confusing but I'm pretty sure I can get the hang of it if I try hard enough.
anyway, next page on the list after the art gallery page is a page to display my FR dragons, and after that...maybe one of those shrine pages people put on their sites for their favorite characters. I can already think of a few characters I'd like to make something for :]
besides all of that, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I am 18 years old right now. like, my birthday was yesterday so I guess I turned 18 very recently but holy shit, 18?!?!?!?!?! that's old!!!! who let this happen???
aaaaaand, hours later, I finally put together the art gallery page!!!!! I'm very proud of it but I may change and add a few things here and there. maybe more little graphics and pixels I like those. also I'll likely add more art too...but it works for now. on to the next page!!!!!! FR dragon display page...and maybe I'll throw together a 'links' page on the side too.

november 1, 2021 hi it's my birthday. I received a nautilus plushie this morning how epic it will stay with me on my bed with the rest of my ocean animal plushies (lobster, shark, etc.) I love it so much the skrunkly the onglydoople
also I was editing the journal page a bit last night (if u came across it when I was testing out the yellow/orange backgrounds I deeply apologize it was atrocious) but I settled on this green/blue background color scheme or whatever I think it looks nice. definitely nicer on the eyes than bright yellow and orange. also I changed around the fonts a little bit, now we have a more handwritten-like font for the entries (for added realism. somewhat). I feel like I have been neglecting the about page a little maybe I'll change it up some. and I need to update a few things on there too to be honest. maybe make a longer introduction? add a few more likes and dislikes? blinkies? pixels? art?????? i don't know I feel like it looks a little barren like...where's the spice!!! more images more stuff I'll make it look cooler because it's sooooo boring right now. also I need more pages!! I only have 2 pages right now which I guess are the most basic pages to have, I'm thinking of maybe making some pages for my favorite characters or adding a little "about the jelly mansion" page because there's a silly little story I have about the jelly mansion so I'll continue it on that page. a page for my flight rising dragons too, I think it would be fun to have also I'd like to display a few of my dragons. and of course a page for art + my ocs. I haven't drawn anything in a while...well, digitally, I mean. I can't remember the last time I drew something digitally. anyway if I'm gonna make an art gallery page of some sort I'm going to have to think of a decent sort of layout for it in order to display my art. and oc pages??? I'll think about it when I get to it. I'm gonna try to enjoy the rest of my day.
my friend gave me a present today!! she gave me some stickers, pens, patterned paper, a magazine, and some gluesticks. sounds like a strange assortment of items but it's not really strange if you know that I have a sketchbook and I like to cut and paste things into it and use stickers and etc. which is what I'll do with this stuff!!! I'm very excited and I'm very thankful. I think I'll be having cake later today...

October 2021 

october 31, 2021 IT'S HALLOWEEN!!!! happy halloween!!!!!!!! one of my favorite holidays of the year (the other holiday being valentine's day) aaaand I get to celebrate it all by myself and with some candy of course. and then tomorrow is my birthday which I'm not looking forward to because by then I will be old...and to me 18 is pretty old. mentally I feel like a child still so I don't think turning 18 is very fitting for me. 18 feels lonely. and I wasn't expecting to get this far in the first place so..it's whatever to be honest. but yeah birthday is tomorrow and I'm a little nervous about it I don't wanna keep getting older I just wanna stay here for a while.
  anyway besides the current ongoing existential crisis I'm having I've done nothing today other than play my silly little rhythm games and roll around and stare at the ceiling. also I finally put bat wings on my boots! I had made them around a month ago but I didn't have something to punch a hole through them so they could go on my shoelaces, and today I finally acquired a hole puncher! so I made the shoelace holes, put them on my shoes, and admired them for a whole hour since I was very proud and excited with the outcome. they are so cool!!!! maybe if I had put together a costume earlier this month I could've worn them with said costume but I didn't have anything planned so we just have the boots and wings. that's pretty much all I've done today...nothing too exciting I guess? just counting down the hours til my birthday comes. oh also it's the last day of october! tomorrow means there's going to be a new section for november that's pretty epic.
  ALSO I think I wrote a few days ago something about max lvl friendship with wind archer and guess what I had achieved earlier today????? MAX FRIENDSHIP WIND ARCHER!!!! and his little jelly is so cute I think I'm gonna use it for a while. speaking of jellies the new anniversary jelly set is so cute??? it has this sticker look to it plus the giant bear jellies are animated and oouguhgohohgogh I just find them so adorable...also I'm gonna try to get myself the full set of sugar jellies in the guild shop but I'm so broke atm because the first thing I did was buy the sugar rainbow bear jelly... but yeah I'll get them eventually :]
  besides all of that...I've spent hours tinkering with this site's coding but what looks good on my computer does not look good on the majority of others I've learned. for example the wind archer img on my main page looks just fine on my screen but on others (and on the site thumbnail/preview when you update it on neocities) it's obscuring like half of the text on the front page??? a little weird so i neeeeed to find a way to fix it and make sure it looks good not only on my screen but on others' screens as well. I'll do what I can with my very very limited coding skills (might find a fix for it in a week or in a year who knows). ok that's all I have for today. still patiently waiting for the day to end so I can tell myself "happy birthday" and go straight to sleep.
  on a side note I also need to find some fonts for my journal page I'm geting very bored of this courier new I need something cooler lol

october 30, 2021

october 28, 2021 I think my opinion on rhythm games has changed a little bit. at first, I didn't really like playing them because I sucked so bad at them since I could never tap the notes on time. now, after spending an entire day playing this game on and off, I think I'm feeling a little more confident in my abilities. I'm not super good or super fast at them but I'm slightly better than I was before. also the new cookie run updates for both games...they finally added costumes to kingdom!! i neeeeeeed the fig cookie costume so bad. I already know I'm gonna struggle with saving up rainbow cubes lol just like in ovenbreak. speaking of ovenbreak, the new update is so good!!! we get two bug themed cookies which I'm so excited about. and two lobby designs which is EPIC because we haven't had a new one in a while and I love being able to change what my lobby looks like. anyway I recently maxxed out scorpion cookie - max lvl, friendship, and candy. I'm so close to getting max frienship with wind archer but I don't know when I'll ever max him out level and candy wise since it's a little difficult to obtain him + the things needed to make his candy. but I don't care I love this guy he's the coolest. next legendary I'm looking to max out is millenial tree just because I think they're cool.
besides games and whatnot I guess today's been a pretty slow day. nothing remarkable about today. we had a test in statistics class and I feel like I did well on it? usually when I think I've done well it means the complete opposite so...we'll see.

october 26, 2021 yeaaay I remade the journal page!!! the old layout was ok but I like this one better. I am currently eyeing the main page and trying to make up my mind on whether or not I should also redesign the main page too...also I need more images and gifs and etc. for my site so I'm going to go dig up some old gifs and images to decorate my silly little website. I think I should have more of those things since my page feels too plain and barren without it. I swear I'm going to make everything look nice and cool and fun, well, as much as I know how to. I'm actually very proud of what I've made so far! at first I was a little discouraged because I didn't know how to code but 10 days later I made something decent. coding is actually very fun I think the brainrot has set in...
unrelated to me coding and whatnot I just learned today that I have a test in one of my classes on my birthday! can you believe that?? worst news I've heard this week.

october 25, 2021 at school currently...I finally remembered what I have due. It's almost as if walking through the school doors activates something in my brain and everything I have due during the week finally comes rushing into my mind. Anyway, what I have due today is a speech for one of my classes (which, mind you, I haven't even decided on a solid topic for), a debate thing for another class, and a quiz in yet another class. I'm obviously ill-prepared but I'm just gonna go about my day as I always do. There's one thing I tell myself on days like this: "I always have time for everything. I will have time." Usually it works! I do have time. I'm sure things will sort themselves out in the end.

It is currently...6 in the afternoon. I did have time for everything! Anyway, I've recently started playing this new rhythm game called D4DJ which I'm pretty sure is made by the same people who made bandori? I'm not very good at rhythm games (I'm a little slow) but I'm doing my best. There are times that even the easiest setting is too fast for me (pathetic, I know!) and etc. Anyway I'm obsessed with this one little song called 'tsuki ni moeru' and I just think it's soooooooooooo I just like it a lot go listen to it right here!!! Definitely a new favorite I'm gonna play this one all the time.
Yeah that's all I have. Yes I'm a rhythm game enjoyer yes I suck at them yes we exist.

october 24, 2021 first entry!! I have been updating the site a lot today and I've spent most of the day just working on putting together the about page and this page too. so far I think it looks okay given my very limited coding skills. I've had a very lazy day today (if you don't count me working on these pages as something "productive") like always...
I have school tomorrow and I know I probably have something due but I haven't the faintest idea of what it could be. it could be homework of some sort?? if only I could remember which class it was for...